My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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