An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
how drunk are you?
Several
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
