I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
