I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
