I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
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Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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