I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
