I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
