The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
