you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
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One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My life is pants optional.
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