Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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