I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
