did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.