Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
