90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
