I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
