I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
