I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
