I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
