Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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