you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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