You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
