my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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