does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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