I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
