I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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