just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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