Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed