Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.