Swine flu. Run for my life!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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