Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
