I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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