Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
