I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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