Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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