You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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