I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Houston, we have a squirter
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The air taste purple.
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