I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
