How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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