SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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