I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
