I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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