I can text with my tongue
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
