and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Congratulations! We have a period
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