3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
