Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
