i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
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There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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