and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
