I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I AM VODKA MAN
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
