This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
