The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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