it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
