o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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