can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
