PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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