apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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