happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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