why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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